I dedicate today’s entry to the memory of Caleb Charles Coe. Caleb was two years younger than I was, so closer to my sister’s age than mine. My sister had idly pointed him out from afar one day during the summer and said ”he’ll be in high school next year with you.” You’d never know he was freshman because with his lanky build, he was already over 6 feet tall and muscular and moved with the confidence of someone much older. When you were with Caleb, it was like he had already lived 1,000 lifetimes. He was an “old” soul.

The first time I met him I saw him walking along the street carrying an extremely heavy backpack and remembered my sister pointing him out. I slowed my car to his walking pace and rolled down the window. He turned and grinned at me with his trademark Cheshire cat grin. I asked him if he needed a ride and told him I was Julie’s sister. He said “Sure!” He got in the car and started guiding me through the streets while we talked. About 10 minutes later we arrived at his house and as I sat idling waiting for him to get out, he cocked his head to the side and studied me. He said “You’re not from around here, are you?” I said “No, we just moved here, why?” He said “See that yellow house two houses down?” I squinted “Yep.” He said “That’s where you picked me up.” And then he laughed a big, hearty, belly laugh and got out the car. I said “Why did you do that?” He leaned back in the window and grinned that grin and said “I just wanted to get to know you better and I never refuse a ride from a pretty girl.” Embarrassed I sputtered “Well your backpack looks really heavy!” He seemed to notice his backpack for the first time and said “Oh that. No, I carry weights in my backpack to build some muscle for football. Bye!” And he walked off laughing and waving.

I began to run into him all the time at school and we became fast friends. Being with Caleb was like riding a roller coaster. He had enormous energy, so full of life and when he was in a good mood, he soared and took you along for the ride. Sometimes he would get really sad. He would say I don’t know why I’m so sad. I would ask if something happened to precipitate it and he would say ”no, I just feel really bummed today.” And when he was sad, he would hide in his room and lift weights and no one could get him to come out. We would all dismiss that as one of Caleb’s eccentricities. He walked to the beat of a different drummer. He never cared what other people said or thought. I never met anyone who didn’t like him either. His personality was like someone had harnessed the sun, brilliantly burning and full of energy. He was larger than life.

My high school years were not the easiest. I moved out when I was 15. There were times when I really needed a friend and he was always there. I can’t count how many times he put that big bear arm around me and told me everything was going to be ok. I don’t even know how many times I called him in the middle of the night to help me, get me out of somewhere, help me move, or whatever. And minutes later, I could always count on him to drive up in his big, banana colored Ford Truck and help me throw everything I owned in the world into the back. Even though he was younger than I was, he watched out for me like a big brother. That was just his nature. Sometimes he’d come up to me at school, search my eyes and ask me if I was ok. He knew just by looking at me, the truth, no matter what I said.

Caleb loved his practical jokes. His fun-loving, grinning side was what he showed to the world, although those of us who knew him well, knew he struggled with overwhelming sadness at times too. He began to date one of my friends, Lora, which worked out well because it was easy for us to all hang out.  If I dated someone who Caleb thought was wrong for me or didn’t treat me well, he let me know it and watched them like a hawk. We went on through high school this way, until Lora and I graduated. They still dated and I never left Palo Alto, so our friendships continued on. When it came time for Caleb to graduate, because of football, he had his choice of several colleges. He decided he was going to go to Colorado where he could live with his estranged father and attend college. Lora, a budding actress, decided to go to Europe for 6 months and act. I remember that Caleb left early for college, wanting to settle in before school started. I was busy moving myself into the dorms that fall as well.

One fall morning in late October, I had come home from college for the weekend. I walked out the door of my parent’s house and there was Caleb, leaning against his truck, chewing on something. I stopped dead and said “What are you doing here?” He said “Waiting for you.” I searched his face waiting for the Cheshire grin, but only his eyes danced. ”You didn’t call me and tell me you were coming in town and why didn’t you call or knock on the door?” His eyes just danced and he said “Because I wanted to run into you.” I rolled my eyes because this was typical, eccentric Caleb. So we talked for a few minutes and he told me he was visiting everyone. He said he had been by to see his best friends and was just checking in on everyone. So he looked searchingly into my eyes and said “So how are YOU?” “Fine” I answered. I was in college, my relationship with my parents somewhat better and I felt like my life was getting on track. He suddenly grabbed my shoulders and said “No! How are you REALLY doing?” Shocked, I said “No really, I’m fine!” He seemed to finally relax and accept that, the intensity of a few minutes ago gone. He said “Ok if you’re good then I’m going to go. Will you call me? I said “Sure” The intensity returned and what he said next will be etched into my memory forever. He said “You don’t mean it. You won’t call.” And surprised I said, “Yes I will! “ And he said “Then promise me you will call me Wednesday or Thursday.” I repeated “Ok Wednesday or Thursday.” And again his voice took on that urgent quality and the intensity returned and he said “PROMISE ME Wednesday or Thursday!” I looked at him and decided he was just being Caleb, but I promised to call. When I got back to my dorm room, I taped a sheet of paper to my mirror that said “CALL CALEB” When Thursday rolled around I assessed how much change I had to call him in Colorado and decided that I would call him from my parent’s house on Saturday when I could talk for as long as I wanted. I will forever live with the consequences of that decision.

That Thursday night, Caleb shot himself in the head. He shot himself with a picture of Lora next to him on the couch and a letter from her in his hand. He died after two agonizing days. Lora made it from Europe in time to say goodbye. I remember being told he was dead and that he shot himself and I remember screaming WHY? And feeling darkness surround me. My first thought was that he was the LAST person I would ever expect to kill himself. The second was: somehow, in some small part of my mind, I understood. Lora returned from Colorado looking haunted. I suspect she will forever be haunted. We were all forever changed. I felt responsible. For the rest of my life I will wonder if I could have stopped it if I had called. I broke my promise. Someone died because of it. He must have felt so very alone and unloved and he didn’t deserve that. He was always there for me and in his darkest time of need, I had let him down.

He didn’t leave a note. We will never know why. I have learned that most people who intend to commit suicide don’t tell anyone they are thinking of doing it. The people that are left behind suffer the most. We all realized later that he had come to say goodbye to each and every one of us that weekend before he killed himself. He had made sure I was going to be ok and said goodbye, although I had no idea at the time. For years, I would think I saw him in a crowd and chase the person down only to have them turn around and it was someone else. I would hear his voice, plain as day, when I was alone, like he was sitting right there next me. I would dream over and over, that I walked into a classroom at school and opened the door and there he was, grinning that grin, walkman on, long legs and arms sprawled out over the chair and desk. And every time I would say “I thought you were dead!” And he would say “It was just a joke!” and my heart would soar and then I would wake up.

At his memorial service I can remember everyone crying. His sister and mother spoke and everyone sat in stunned silence and cried. Then several people got up and spoke about sad things and we all cried harder. Suddenly, my attention was drawn to his picture sitting above the fireplace. He was grinning that ear-to-ear grin. I looked at the other pictures and he was grinning like that in all of them. And suddenly I knew. He wouldn’t have wanted it this way. He would have wanted a celebration of his life, who he was and would have mocked us for crying over him. So I decided I needed to speak. His mother asked if anyone else had something to say. I raised my hand. I tentatively began to tell the story of the first time I met him. I looked up at his sister and saw the tears replaced with a smile. When I was done, everyone was laughing with tears still rolling down their faces. Other people began to speak up about the practical jokes he played or the funny things he did or said. And then, we began to celebrate his life and who he was. After the service his mother grabbed my elbow and said “I want to thank you….” And her voice trialed off and I pulled from my pocket a poem I had written to Caleb and folded it over and handed it to her. I said “I had planned on reading this, but I didn’t have the heart.” Caleb wouldn’t have wanted us to all be so serious.” She dabbed her eyes and nodded “Yes, thank you. I will read this when I have the strength.”

In those harrowing days after he died, the only solace I found was in writing. I was devastated, I was angry, I felt guilty. I wrote it all down and it ended up as this:

To Caleb:

I wanted to write you a letter

I wanted to call you on the phone

I wanted to see you

But I thought life went on forever.

I didn’t realize how precious time and life were.

I felt the world stand still when she told me

Then through the blackness and silence

I screamed at you to tell me why.

I think Angels held their breath

As I waited for you to answer.

Somehow I think some answer echoed through my tears.

Somehow I knew you weren’t happy.

How come you didn’t reach out to me?

When I needed you, you were there for me.

I remember all the laughter

I remember all the tears

But somehow I remember you happy

And how you used to tease me.

But I realized then

That your spirit had been broken

And the roller coaster ride we called life

Had come to an end.

Why couldn’t you have hung on for one last trip?

There were so many of us who loved and cared,

Why didn’t you turn to us?

So many things I want to ask you

So many things I want to say

But in the stillness of it all

I hear no reply.

Dead. What does that mean?

When I look back on it, you must have died before you death.

But that’s not the person I knew.

I thought you were a fighter.

I wanted you to live to love tomorrow.

Last night I called out your name

And in the silence I heard the moon sigh,

The last glimpse of light disappeared as the sun set

And darkness overtook me.

Is that what I did?

Sat by and quietly watched the last glimmer of hope,

The last stray thread of life disappear

As the night descended upon you

And thus came along

The prince of darkness.

And when you life was in trouble

And you were feeling all alone

All you needed to do was reach out to me,

And through the pouring rain

I would have held your hand

And waited out the storm with you.

You and I, side by side.

I wouldn’t want you to see all the pain and anguish you caused,

‘Cuz you’d just laugh at us and tell us

To go on with our lives without you

That people never die

As long as we keep them alive in our memories.

And I hear your laugh echoing though the heavens

As I say to you that even though

You took away your life,

Trying to throw away past, present and future,

You can’t take away the memories.

Those I will have forever.

God I hope you found peace

The peace of final rest.

I know your soul has been revived

And your spirit has been freed

Free to roam and wander once more.

And one day we will meet again,

Until then, Adieu, my friend.

Love,

Helen

Caleb Charles Coe died October 28, 1989 and left the world a much emptier place.