Last week my husband sent me a link to
Maryam Scoble's blog on Ten Reasons Why You Should Date a Geek. It's a hilarious but sadly true commentary on what's it like to be married to a computer geek. I don't know whether Steve was trying to sell me on the point or what. Anyway, after he got home we were discussing her blog and he told me that her husband works at Microsoft as well and she's known for publicly airing things like how he forgot to take out the trash (sound familiar?). I said "Oh so she blogs about all the stuff he does wrong like me?" He said "Yeah but she's a lot more loving about it." I replied "Well clearly they haven't been married as long." He heaved a big sigh and said "No, they haven't."
I have told you all what it's like to be married to a Geek
before. I know you all think I'm a cynic, but let me give you ten reasons why it isn't always easy being married to a Geek.
1. NERDS ABOUND. You will never ever miss another episode, movie, museum or function relating to Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, or other such geek fests. The references alone to such nerdities will kill you. I don't care about Cling-ons, Tantoieen, and have been dubbed by Steve and his friends as "Ring Hater." It should be against the law.
2. YOU WILL BE BROKE OVER TECHNOLOGY. It's hard being a
Techno Widow and it's expensive. He insists on buying the top of the line of everything so that "it won't be outdated in a few years." By the following year it's "old and outdated" and we need a new, expensive version of the one we just bought. It no longer works with the Technology and he can't work with it anymore.
3. VEHILCLES. You will NEVER, EVER get your car fixed by your Geek. They know exactly how it works, the physics, the whys, aerodynamics, every possible engineering spec of the car. They can work all the things on the dashboard, know what all the buttons are for and program the car to do all the little tricks it's supposed to. But God help you if something actually goes wrong with the engine or the oil needs to be changed.They can even intellectualize WHY it's not working (there's not enough air getting to the <insert technical car word here> so that would cause the <more technical words> to fail but only when the <blah blah technical words- my eyes have glazed over at this point.>) You'd be lucky to get them to jump it if the battery is dead or change the tire. Suddenly they feign complete ignorance.
4. MEMORY. Their minds are complete and utter LINT TRAPS. Not steel traps, LINT TRAPS. They capture all kinds of useless crap and store it up there. He can remember all the characters in a book he read when he was 8 years old but he can only remember 2 of the 3 things he was supposed to get at the grocery store. He can remember the date of Nolan Ryan's no hitter, but he can't remember our anniversary. He remembers every battle of WWII, but can't remember what he gave me for a wedding present.
5. VOCABULARY. Let me call this the Dictionary Effect. He can't use normal words that the rest of us use. He says he's going to ping somebody. In my mind that means he's going to throw things at them while they sit at the lunch table. For some freakish reason that means he's going to contact them. He thinks he's a freakin' computer because sometimes he has to "let processes run in the background" for the rest of us, that means, let me try and recall......He queues up the dishwasher. For you and me, that's the time delay button while I get in the shower. I just don't even want to tell you how he uses and abuses vocabulary. If he meets someone he doesn't like, they "have a bad UI." To you and me, they were an obnoxious jackass with Asperger's.
6. BAD, BAD CLOTHING CHOICES. Fashion King he is not. Nor are the rest of the geeks. Last week he tried to get me to buy him a track suit that I swear I saw
Al Davis wearing.
7. COMPUTERS ARE SEXY. You will never be sexier than a computer. They will even refer to software and hardware as SEXY. Microsoft's Avalon techonolgy is what they deem sexy. Dress in your sexiest outfit while he's on the computer and his eyes never leave the screen.
8. LIES LIES LIES.He will LIE to you to get new computer stuff because he can. You have no idea what anything is. You ok it. Only to find out HE LIED! I needed a new mouse. He lovingly offers me his new one and said he'll just have to get himself a new one. When I see the new one, I say, oh that looks like a cool one, I want one that one instead. He tells me it won't work on my computer. The truth? I come to find out HE BOUGHT HIMSELF A SEVENTY DOLLAR MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!
Our son needed a new computer. To get him one that would run all the new games he said we needed to spend $1,000 on a new computer. I find the new computer set up in his office. I ask him why, he tells me he had to have the new one to replace an older one before he could give it to our son. Our son still has his old computer. The truth? He clearly didn't NEED the new computer before our son could have one because the one he is giving our son has been sitting in our garage for 2 years!!!! He wanted a new computer for gaming. Did I mention our son STILL doesn't have a new computer?
9. FREAKISHLY STRONG FINGERS. I refer to his index finger as his mouse clicker. He has freakishly strong fingers. As an oldest child he developed torture techniques for his siblings, namely by pressing with his finger right into the center of your chest. He calls this the Finger of Death. It hurts like hell. Add freakishly strong fingers to that and you have a pierced sternum. Try prying just one finger off something he's not supposed to have and it takes two hands.
10. OH GOD DID I MENTION STAR WARS, STAR TREK, AND LORD OF THE RINGS?
ツール 
